


M 2 M

by impvme



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 09:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1893921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impvme/pseuds/impvme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation with John about two weeks after The Crossing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to BlackTop for issuing me the challenge to write this. Thanks to Harold Finch and Grace Luvr for being my beta for the last 3 chptrs and for wading in on this in the middle. I have another story kicking around in my head. I'm gonna try to get it out I just don't know when. Thanks SSSSOOOOOOO much for the reviews they really did help me to keep writing. Here's the disclaimer. I own nothing that has to do with Person of Interest...except my disappointment at Carter's death ;-) All these characters belong to CBS and Nolan.

He was glad that they had finally found John. But the ease with which they found him reinforced what he’d speculated had happened but really hoped hadn’t. Looking at the remnant of the man in front of him, he now knew his speculations, though correct, didn’t…. no - couldn’t really encompass the agony John was experiencing. The losses in his own past however reminded him of how horribly devastating losing someone you love could be. As he approached John his mind was racing with thoughts and questions. He quickly recaptured some stray feelings and stored them away for reflection at a later time. His focus was on John  
.  
They hadn’t spoken to John since…, he sighed thinking about the tragedy that happened that night. Though he was just beginning to truly understand the depths of what Detective Carter meant to John, he had to let John know what she meant to him, as well as what she had done for him - that he missed her so dearly too. He had grown to have such respect for her. She seemed to him the embodiment of her name. Jocelyn: courageous, honest, determined, original, believes in the law, beautiful – such beauty! Her impact on his life had been curiously unexpected especially after their rocky start. He’d contemplated it a lot since her unfortunate death. How could you go from wanting someone out of your life to seriously wondering, now that they were gone, how your life was ever going to be the same without them in it?

The closer they got to John more signs of his ruination became evident. The weather had finally turned cold but John had no overcoat on nor gloves or hat. John was wearing what he had come to think of as John’s uniform - black suit, white button down shirt, black shoes, but only one shoe still adorned his feet. His hair was a rat’s nest filled with mud and some substance that he’d rather not think about. There was blood on John’s hands, on his shirt over the gunshot wound to his side, on his socks and on what he could see of his face. He was unshaven, unwashed and thoroughly undone. His uniform had so many rips and tares it looked as if he had been fighting real demons the past couple of weeks instead of just the ones inside himself. John’s wretched state pulled him towards him. As he got closer he could see that John’s inner demons and grief were tearing him apart. For her, he had to give John something that he could use in that fight. He was going to tell John about his Detective Carter.

He approached John very cautiously, the way you might approach a fatally wounded, but still very lethal, creature. As he got closer he could see that John was holding something in his slightly damaged left hand. Never touching his face, just below his nose but close enough to breath in its scent, John had a strangle hold on a white cashmere scarf. Elias could tell that John knew he was there by the almost infinitesimal incline of his head in his direction. When he got as close as he felt was reasonable he could see John trembling. He feared that John had been outside in his poor condition too long and was now suffering from exposure. He took one more step and spoke to John.

“Hello John.” He was sure that he heard him but John didn’t acknowledge him.

“I…….” Even though he had been thinking about what he would say to him since they had located him an hour ago, he was now at a loss for words. What do you say to the walking dead? He found himself stammering. “I, I can’t tell you…..”

John spoke then, a hollow dry, wretchedly empty sound…almost a whisper. “What do you want Elias?” 

“You’ve been missing for most of two weeks John. Mr. Wren and Detective Fusco have, to say the least, left no stone unturned in their efforts to locate you. You may find it strange but I too was….worried about you.”

Since his first run-in with John, Elias had taken an interest in him. Later, after kidnapping the Carter kid and John’s rescue of the kid, Elias had also become interested in the kid’s mother. Detective Carter had been no more than a minor irritation that he had planned on swatting, until that is, John issued his warning to everyone concerning her. When he took that sympathy flower arrangement to her desk to scare her Elias had no idea that he was really taking his life in his hands. That was before he knew what she truly meant to the man in the suit. Since her erstwhile rescue of him Elias started looking at the woman, Jocelyn Carter. She obviously was a unique woman if she had such a fascinatingly dangerous and talented monster like John willing to start a war with everyone to protect her and her son. 

After his attempt to remove Det. Carter from his life by using that inept CI Bottle Cap to shoot her, Elias and everyone else received the warning from John about what he would do to him and anyone who tried to hurt her again. That’s when Elias became very sure that, if he was extremely careful, he could use her as possible leverage to control John if needed. He’d seen John work and knew what he was capable of. So he had no doubt that John, being the monster that he is, would coldly and efficiently do exactly what he said if she was hurt – “…put them all in the ground.” Elias just didn’t think her death would put John there too. But Elias could see that right now, John was at the edge of a very deep and icy abyss. He had that proverbial “one foot in the grave” look and it wouldn’t take much to make him slip and fall all the way in.

There it was again, that hollow sound. A small mirthless laugh was forced from John that ended in a sob. John spun and advanced on Elias so quickly that Elias was forced back three or four steps before he realized John had stopped moving. Elias’ bodyguard, Tony Marconi had moved in front of Elias and drawn his gun when John had started his advance. It was now pointed at John’s head. When Elias realized that John was not going to move any further he had Marconi put his gun down and give them space. Tony, aka Scarface, reluctantly lowered his weapon and moved back, but didn’t holster it.

Elias could fully see John’s face now. It too was bruised, cut, and bloodied. In the dirt caking John’s face Elias could clearly see streaks down his face from the tears which had been falling the entire time they had been speaking. He realized then that John had not been trembling from exposure when he first found him, but that he had been crying. Seeing John so devastated and openly grieving knocked Elias a bit off center. He didn’t understand how someone like John could change and become what he was looking at now – such a broken and possibly irredeemable man. He used a softer tone when he started to speak.

“John I just wanted you to know how sorry I am that…”

John raised his head and let loose what Elias thought might be a laugh but it was ragged at the edges and full of an approaching madness. 

“You’re sorry!? About what?” John’s voice began to rise. “You should be overjoyed because, now you have everything you really wanted. HR is gone, the Russians are on the way out and soon the city will be yours to run as you please.” He was almost screaming at Elias now. His body was shaking from anger, grief and hate that had suddenly surged through him. “That bothersome cop, that extraordinary woman is no longer a problem for you. Aren’t you happy?” Breathing hard from his tirade, with a quiver in his voice John continued. “You’re sorry, what, because you’re not the one who pulled the trigger? Or that you couldn’t be there to see her die, shot down in the street like the dog you thought she was? What great fun you missed Elias, not being able to watch her die in my arms.” As John whispered those last words he crumpled to his knees as quiet sobs wracked his body again. “Soon you can dance on both our graves.”

“How could John think that he had still wanted her out of his life?”, Elias thought. Elias had grown quite fond of Det. Carter and was truly going to miss her. He knew that she didn’t feel the same way about him but that was ok. On that cold night under a starless sky when he went to meet his death at the hands of HR, her rescue of Elias had changed what he thought and felt about the Detective. In fact he was very unhappy that she was no longer a ‘worrisome’ problem for him. Her death had left a space in his life and heart that he hadn't even known she had filled. After what she had done for him how could John think that…. Oh. John didn’t know. John wasn't aware that she had rescued him from certain death that night. She had become his saving grace and angel even if she had despised him. So Det. Carter must not have told John about their….arrangement. Now that was a conversation he would have loved to hear.

“Oh….Oh no John” Elias said quietly as he took three steps toward him. “I found you so I could tell you what Det. Carter had become to me; had done for me. I have….had, grown quite fond of our Detective.” John’s head shot up at Elias’ last words.

“Our. Don’t say that.” John growled. “She’s not Harold’s, she’s not Fusco’s, and she’s not the NYPD’s. And she sure as hell will never be yours. She’s mine, mine and Taylor’s, just us...ours. If you ever say that again, I will kill you where you stand.”

Just to appease John he capitulated by telling him, “I understand John. I won’t say it again. But John please listen to me now. Detective Carter wouldn’t want…”

“Listen. To you!”, John snarled. “What can you tell me about what Joss would want? Do you know how terrified she was when you kidnapped and threatened her child? You made her walk away from me because you forced me to choose to save yet another child’s life over another person’s so you could get what you wanted. You tried to kill her you piece of scum.”, he spat out. “You’re a monster and her name will never come from your mouth again. “ 

Elias is transfixed by the murderous rage that’s sprung to life in John’s eyes. John’s current condition had caused Elias to forget about John’s abilities and the unexpected speed with which he charges has Elias rooted to the spot. Elias heard the shot before he could react then saw John fall and lay still.


	2. Chapter 2

John was breathing rapidly but silently enduring the pain. Elias quietly commends Scarface. "Thank you Tony for not killing him. We are, after all, here to help him." While walking cautiously over to John, Scarface answers, "Yeah, well, I owe her too boss." Getting as close to John as he feels is safe, Scarface sees his shot is a through and through to John's shoulder and lets Elias know, with a nod of his head, that John should be alright. Turning to walk back to his boss Scarface gently tells John, "Sorry for your loss. She was a brave, beautiful and classy lady and a good cop too.” Scarface's seemingly sincere statement to John makes frown lines appear on John's face and confusion in his eyes.

With some exasperation in his voice Elias asks, “Are you ready to hear me out now John?" John glares at him but says nothing. "Well then John, I will take your silence as an encouragement to continue. I'm sure by now you know that Simmons is dead. I must commend Det. Fusco for not killing him on the spot. I would have, as I'm sure you would have too. Fusco's unfortunate exercise in self restraint however, gave me the opportunity to fulfill the debt I owed Det. Carter." John's look of confusion and curiosity has Elias feeling a little superior. He knows something important about Det. Carter that John doesn't. Before John can speak he plunges on. Elias easily steps back into his once roll of teacher and decides he will take pleasure in schooling John on some of Det. Carter's past activities.

"A couple of months ago John, during my transfer from jail to prison, I had been marked for termination by HR. I was taken out to the woods and, with a gun at the back of my head, was waiting to draw my last breath." With a small smirk dancing around the corner of John's lips he looks at Elias. Seeing the smirk Elias realizes that John knew about the hit. "I see John that the good Detective must have talked to you about my impending demise."

"Obviously she didn't listen to me because you're still alive." John rasped disgustedly.

"I do understand John why you might want me dead. However I thought with our little, collaboration, at Riker's and after your warning to everyone about Det. Carter's safety, we had moved past that slight bump in the road. Though I did, as you say, terrorize her son and issue the orders to have her removed, it appears that revenge is not in her lexicon. I am very grateful that the good Detective’s moral compass does not point in the same direction as yours and mine. Since that night in the woods I've had lots of time, perhaps too much, to think about my fortuitous rescue and to think about her. What an extraordinary women! She was a kind, compassionate, fair woman and an honest cop. And judging from the scraps of what's left of HR, a damn fine Detective as well." 

John didn't understand why Elias was speaking with such respect and even admiration about Joss. Bafflement and perhaps a dawning knowledge were at war in John's eyes. From the look on John's face Elias could see that John was struggling with what he was saying. So he charged ahead. "Taylor is a lucky kid John. He had a fantastic mother and even though he's in a rough spot right now I will enjoy watching him grow into the fine young man she was raising him to be."

All John heard was 'Taylor' and 'watching'. Fear gripped John and once again, with such speed that it made Elias instinctively step back, John was on his feet and advancing on Elias. "You're watching Taylor?" John's voice dropped dangerously low. His eyes spoke murder as he approached Elias. He couldn't, wouldn't let anyone hurt Taylor. "I won't let you take him from me. He's all I have left, all I have left of her." John was in full protect mode and this time he wasn't stopping.

Without really noticing him move Scarface was again standing in front of Elias pointing his Colt M1911 at John's head. Elias nodded at Tony and his first shot kicked up dust, stone and gravel as it struck the ground at John's feet. John hesitated for a few seconds before he started forward again. His hesitation was enough time for Elias to put his hands out in front of him and shout at John. "John stop!" he implored. "Listen to me. Please."

Something in Elias' voice made his steps falter and stop his advance. It amazed Elias how still John had become. Even with an injured shoulder and tears streaming down his face once again, he stood motionless. Watching John made Elias think of the calm in the eye of the storm and wonder how much time he had before the rest of the storm blew in. "Like I told you with Leila I would not hurt a child. I may be a monster just as you said John, but even monsters like us have some things we won't do. So monster to monster John, just listen to me." At Elias' last words John seemed to deflate. His shoulder was bleeding but he didn't appear to feel the pain from the gunshot wound.

"Yes John, I have been watching Taylor, but not to harm him. I've been considering setting up a trust and maybe a college fund for him. I'm sure his mother expects him to attend college. I would think a HBC or maybe Harvard or Yale. Perhaps he can study abroad; I know he would do well at Oxford. He certainly has the grades for it. I believe that every young man should study abroad and see the world when they can. I'm sure that with his upbringing and intelligence he would excel wherever he chooses to go and at whatever he chooses to do. The fact that Taylor's kidnapping seems to be no more than a minor blip in his personal and emotional life speaks volumes to what a wonderful mother Det. Carter was and what an extraordinary child he is. In that respect he is so very much his mother's son. Mark my words John. Taylor will one day be a very important and powerful man. It will be interesting watching him grow into that."

The look of incredulity on John's face makes Elias pull up short in his praises of and possible plans for Taylor's future. Elias notices John’s look and apologizes. "I'm sorry John; I digress. I am, after all, here to complete my payment to Det. Carter." Though she wouldn't expect or even want anything from him, Elias still felt that helping John now would clear his debt to Det. Carter for good; after all a life for a life.

"I don't like to owe anyone John and the debt I owed o….your Det. Cater was an exceptionally large; one of a kind I dare say. As I said before, Det. Fusco's failure to eliminate Simmons gave me the opportunity to pay back Det. Carter. I told Simmons before his untimely but deserved demise that I liked Det. Carter, more and more each day." Elias smiles wistfully as he thinks of Simmons death and about his talks with the Detective while under her 'protection'. Even though he knew she didn't like him, he grew to respect her more each time he saw her. "My admiration for her really started long before that fateful night in the woods. I know John, you're curious as to why I had any interest in her outside of her interference in my business ventures. I became interested, really interested in her because of you John. You drew my focus to the Detective."

Elias telling John that his relationship with Joss was what kept her in Elias's cross hairs made him sick and his stomach roiled in sympathy with his heart. A look of horror quickly replaced by regret and sorrow fleetingly crossed John's face before they were all replaced by a blank mask. John had been so obsessed with protecting Joss from anyone who wanted to hurt her that he had pushed the fact that his relationship with Joss could harm her, behind his other growing fears. But he knew that he should have been protecting her from himself too. John had admitted to his self after being shot at the parking garage and how she had helped him then, that Joss could be hurt by their association. But at that time she was just an asset and not someone to care about other than her ability to assist with a number. Just before Taylor's kidnapping John finally admitted to himself that he had been trying to make himself believe that, that she was nothing more to him than an asset. Yet from the day when he was watching her on the court house steps and talking to her on the walkie, he couldn't put his finger on it, but the way he thought of her, felt about her had started to change.

He didn't know for sure when it had happened, it just had. Unbidden, thoughts of her would just ambush him at the most inconvenient times. So he started to follow her. Following Joss at first had been about John learning everything he could about his enemy and then it became about knowing his asset – or so he wanted to believe. After Joss was shot by her CI a deep seated fear of losing her took root inside John. He kept telling his self it was just concern about a good person, someone the world couldn't afford to lose. When his feelings for Joss got more and more complicated he tried to put distance between them - first to sort out his confusion about his feelings for her, then to protect her and also his self. John did truly believe that the world shouldn't lose Joss Carter. But with a soul deep understanding that had lodged in his bones he finally admitted to his self that his world would end if she died – if he lost Joss. It became a compulsion for John to keep her safe. And if that meant he had to cut her out of his life to do so then so be it. But every time he tried to put distance between them to protect her, he would inexorably and inescapably be drawn back to her. John gave up, and gave in – she had to be a part of his life.

By the time she had finally called him to help with HR there was no confusion left in John about what he felt for Joss Carter. John told her and showed her what she meant to him that night in the morgue while they battled HR together. His number was up but he couldn't leave Joss without letting her know that he owed her his life and had given his heart to her. As john stood in the growing cold, facing Elias and Scarface, he didn't feel the cold or the light dusting of snow as it was falling all around him. Instead he felt the smoothness of her skin as he caressed her face, how his wrist burned with her touch as she held it to steady his hand and the kiss, the tingle of the sweetness of the remnants of her Jasmine perfume, and once again the softness of her lips as he pressed his lips to hers in a long desired kiss. He had restrained their kiss because of the situation they were in at the time. That night in the morgue he could not give in to what he really wanted to do – to hold her and kiss her and never stop. No, he needed to keep his head clear; he needed to get her out of there alive. John fervently wished he had put all the passion, love and respect he felt for Joss in that one kiss, that one chance he had to let her know how much he loved her. He had lived to regret that restraint every second of every day since that night.

One night.

One chance.

One kiss.

Two deaths.

On a filthy street corner, when Joss died in John's arms, two lives ended. John had failed to keep his world safe, to keep Joss safe. With Joss' death his world had crumbled to nothing. And so had the man he was becoming. Since her death John had no clear recollection of where he had been or of what he had been doing. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping, He wasn’t drinking, he wasn't bathing - he wasn't living. He was just a monster waiting for the end of his existence. As John's thoughts of Joss faded he looks at Elias and decides he could be of use to him - Elias will help him end this wretched existence by putting this monster, John Reese, down.


	3. Chapter 3

Elias had to call John’s name a number of times before he saw recognition dawn in John’s eyes again. He noticed that it seemed to take a lot for John to come back to the present. Perhaps John was in worse shape than he thought. Elias began to be concerned that John was running out of time. He could see that John also looked thinner and flushed as if he was running a fever; he probably hadn’t eaten or slept in days. Elias needed to move this along if he was going to reach John and help him fight back to his life. Even though Elias knew he and John would always be at odds, he admired the man’s talents and was going to help him – for her. He was truly going to miss Detective Carter and now wished she had taken him up on the same offer that he had given John, to come join his operation. Talented people such as those two were hard to find much less to get them to come to work for him. But as he had expected they both said no. John and the Detective - they seemed to be almost two parts of the same whole. What a team they would have made. Thinking back on Carter’s rescue of him and the look on her face after he took off his hood made Elias chuckle.

The fog in John’s eyes lifted when he heard Elias chuckle. “Glad to see you’re back with me John.” Elias said with a slight incline of his head in John’s direction. Elias continued. 

“Detective Carter, just your ordinary single mother, worker bee at a rundown precinct with a dirty cop as a partner living her life or so I thought. You John, but more specifically your relationship with the Detective is what kept my interest in her.” Elias contemplatively steeples his fingers at his chin and finished speaking. “After you had killed her CI, no knee capping for him eh John,” Elias says with a small smile playing at his lips. “You issued that peremptory dictate to HR, me and I assume, the whole world that it was hands off Det. Carter. That’s when I knew that she was your focus, that she was important to you. So I decided to keep an eye on her John. I wanted to really get to know who this woman was that had a delightfully skilled monster such as you so devoted to her that you were willing to start a war with everyone to protect her and her boy. It was only logical John if, say, I found myself desperately in need of your services again I would use her to control you.”

A chill ran up John’s spine at the thought that he could be responsible for possibly putting Joss in danger or getting her hurt because Elias would seek to manipulate him. He had no doubt about the “would”. If Joss was still al….here and just continued to be the good cop she was he knew that at some time or other she, he and Elias would cross paths again. At that second John had a terrifying thought. Taylor! Elias would go after Taylor if he thought it would make John fall in line for him. So Elias was still a threat. But not for long, John thought. Whatever it took John would make sure Taylor was safe from Elias before the day was over. It was the least he could do before his body would be put in an unmarked grave. Elias droned on while John’s mind started to formulate how he was going to make sure Elias did not leave here alive and John was sure neither would he. 

A dark look crossed Elias’ face as he recalled his abduction and subsequent walk towards death in the woods not so long ago. “However, when that time came and I was in need of your services you were beyond my reach John. Those HR lackeys had me bound, hooded and on my knees like some common thug.” John could hear the disgust in Elias’ voice when he said ‘lackeys’. “I heard the gun cock and knew it was at my head. The next thing I expected to hear was a bullet meeting my skull ending my life.” A huge genuine grin split Elias’ face as he told John the one thing John didn’t know about his Detective Carter. “Can you imagine my surprise John at hearing gunshots but feeling no pain? I was very happy when I heard that HR goon beg for his life and then go silent. I was hustled away from there and rather urgently shoved into the backseat of a vehicle. As the driver sped away I removed my hood. And who was my savior John?” A smug little smile has graced Elias’ face. He’s eagerly awaiting John’s reaction as he tells him, “None other than Detective Carter herself.” 

But the smile slips from his face and is replaced with indignation as he looks at John. “Where were you John? How could you have allowed her to do that by herself? You knew as well as I did that HR had a vested interest in eliminating her!” 

Elias’ tale made John realize Joss could have been lost to him that night in the woods. She had called to tell him about the impending hit and that she didn’t think anyone, even Elias, deserved to be murdered in cold blood. That extraordinary moral compass of hers had put her life in danger trying to and saving Elias – without him- because he had been too busy to help her. He had dismissed Elias’ life and her concerns during their phone conversation about the hit and by doing so forced her to go it on her own. He had forced her to save the man who had made two attempts on her life and kidnapped her son. John had made her save her enemy alone. He had promised her she was no longer alone, that he was there for her; another broken promise to come back and haunt him. 

Elias didn’t see the intense look of regret that flickered on John’s face before he rambled on with his story. “After things had calmed down I realized of course Detective Carter came by herself. You could care less if I died John since I had tried to hurt her before and I understand that. But imagine my second surprise when she put me in hiding née protection, if you will.” True surprise showed in John’s eyes at this new piece of information and this time Elias saw it and smiled at John. “So I see John you didn’t know your Detective as well as you thought.” With a self satisfied grin Elias seemed happy he had one up on the vigilante. 

However this information answered a question that had been bothering John concerning Joss for the last month or so before her…..he lost her. She had been keeping something from him he was sure of it. Something besides the war she was trying to start between HR and the Russians. The numbers kept coming fast and frequently and left John with little time to talk to Joss about it. She had kept this from him, why? Why? He knew the answer, because she was afraid the monster in him would kill Elias if it found out where Elias was. It shocked and saddened John that Joss was possibly afraid of him. Even when she told him she did, she still didn’t trust him. She couldn’t trust him to help her with HR; she couldn’t trust him to help her with Elias. John scoffs to himself and thinks why would she trust him? She knew what he was. 

“He’s a good man.” John hears Joss’ voice echo those words from a million years ago. And now, like that night in the back of agent Donnelly’s car, John can’t understand how Joss could think that, feel that, truly believe that about him.

At John’s scoff Elias’ face grows cloudy. He’s mistaken John’s scoff as being directed at him. With a bit of indignation in his voice Elias addresses John. “I assure you John I am recounting my experiences with Detective Carter with the utmost veracity. If you’d like, I can show you the warehouse where she sequestered me and Tony for the past month or so. Granted it wasn’t a five star accommodation but it served its purpose to keep me safe and when the Detective would visit for our little chats it keep prying eyes out. Oh, it had a really nice kitchen though.” Elias finishes with a grin and then reminisces out loud, “We shared some very nice meals there.” The statement got somewhat of a rise from John as he’d hope it would. Elias couldn’t resist that small dig to John’s ego. Even though the ‘we’ in his last remark was he and Tony, John didn’t have to know that.

“You’re a liar.” John spat at Elias. “Joss would never protect you much less work with you.” 

Scarface who had been standing quietly at the ready spoke softly to John. “Look man, I was there. My boss, he ain’t lying. For a cop, your lady love, she was really good people.” John looks up at Scarface’s remark with an odd expression. “She wasn’t gonna’ let anything happen to my boss, well that wasn’t legal, and she was gonna’ get him back to jail safe and sound. Not ‘cause she liked him, but ‘cause that’s the kinda’ person she was. She had honor, ya know. She saved my bosses life so she saved mine too. If there was ever anything, anything she wanted me to do - needed me to do for her - at any time, all she had to do was ask.” John now has an unreadable look on his face. Scarface’s reply to John’s expression is heartfelt however. “You can get that worried look out ya eyes John - she never asked. You know she would never ask.” 

“Tony is quite right John.”, Elias says as he shakes his head with regret. “Multiple times I offered to take care of Simmons for Detective Carter. She refused every time John. So I felt that his death at my hands was fitting retribution for her death at his. Well”, Elias says with a small chuckle, “not really at my hands John. I just watched. Very satisfying that - watching Simmons take his last breath.” Elias and Scarface give each other a small smile at the memory of that night and that last breath. “And no she wouldn’t work with me. As I said she refused my offer.” Elias says with some disappointment. “But I was a resource for her from time to time during my forced ‘vacation’ shall we say.” 

My lady, my lady, my lady. The words set up in John’s mind and become a kind of mantra that he starts to repeat over and over myladymyladymyladymylady…… He only hears snippets of what Elias is saying to him. John thought how could Elias and Scarface, of all people know that he loved Joss when it took him so long to realize it himself. But they were right. He loved her, had loved her for the last two years. In the morgue she had returned his kiss and with the mantra underlying his thoughts John thinks about all of the times she was there for him, how she had saved him, how she had put herself, her career, and her moral compass, everything on the line for him. Ultimately how she gave her life for his. He now had the answer to the questions that had been dogging him for the last two years. Did Joss have feelings for him? Could she love someone so unworthy of her love? Could she love a monster like him? In his grief stricken soul, at that moment John finally knew she had loved him too. So much wasted time when she could have been myladymayladymyladymyladymyladymylady …. Those words become a focus to the noise and confusion that had been steadily building in John’s mind since Tony shot him. John knows what he must do to be with his love, with Joss and looks up at Elias with suddenly very clear, blue eyes.

Elias had just finished speaking when the air around them seemed to change. He looked, this time really looked, at John and was worried by what he saw on his face. What Elias saw shining back at him from John’s eyes made him fear he had arrived too late to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and reviews. They are encouraged and greatly appreciated! :-)


	4. Chapter 4

With Elias’ death as his driving goal John started to assess the current situation. As his mind slid into tactical mode he began to unconsciously note things in his surroundings. Where Scarface was standing. What position was he holding his gun. How far away Elias was from him and how fast he could cover that space. The ground he was standing on was loose gravel. If he could move around to the solid concrete that was two feet to his left he’d have better traction when he made his move. If he moved on Elias first, he could get to him and end him before Scarface would kill him. When he got to Elias he could use him as a shield, that way Scarface would be afraid he’d hit Elias, so he wouldn’t shoot. That would give John enough time to do what needed to be done, to kill Elias. Then Scarface would of course kill him and he could finally be with Joss. He had told her in the morgue that he would see her on the other side. He knew she would be waiting for him there too. 

John was ready to make his final move. Though it meant his death, in his mind it was nothing more than going to meet Joss. To see her again, be with her, touch her, hold her, kiss her….. John’s thoughts of seeing and being with Joss again brought a real smile to his face. Only to Elias it looked like lunacy and made Elias’ brow furrow in worry. Elias recognized that look. He’d seen it a number of times in his life. Usually it was plastered on the face of someone that knew they were going to die. Someone that felt they had nothing to lose, someone who would do anything to attain their last and final goal. John saw the way Elias was now studying him and understood that he had to distract Elias so he could get in position to finish this. Elias’ verbosity had always rankled John but he would turn it against Elias and use it as a distraction to get his self in position. John had to put Elias at easy so he could gain that two feet he needed. Getting Elias to talk should be very easy. 

John was thinking of what to say to Elias when unbidden the question pushed from his heart, came to his mind and escaped from his lips.

“How could she die…for a monster like me?” Unnoticed by John, tears again slowly slipped down his marred and dirty cheeks as his mind started filling in the rest of the small details need to achieve his goal of ending Elias.

To Elias, John seemingly started to pace. Though John was tall his pacing was shuffling and aimless, slow and in small steps. Elias was very much aware of how dangerous John still was even in his current wretched state. But to Elias, John’s movements seemed worn out, ponderous and burdensome. 

“I understand that question John and share your sentiments.” Elias stated slipping easily back into lecturer mode. “But the good Detective chose to save you. She chose to save you John because she loved you. I have wondered many times about her capacity for love and compassion. I know you would think that being a homicide detective would have dulled and reduced that trait to bitterness and leave her with no faith in people or their ability to become something better. But John, even with all of the crap I put her through and the HR mess she found herself in, she truly amazed me with her treatment of Tony and I. She was civilized to the end.”

Through Elias’ prattling John continued to pace. To keep what he felt was a safe distance from John, Elias moved when John did. They became like dance partners – each moving around and with the other. Even thought he didn’t know it, Elias was following John’s lead. Four steps to the right, then five to the left, three to the right, then six to the left. John’s weaving back and forth was getting the results he wanted. He was moving closer to the patch of solid ground he needed to be on. Like a mongoose weaving back and forth in front of a cobra, John was getting Elias in position to deliver the death blow.

“How could someone as innately good as Jo…Detective Carter let herself fall in love with you John? I am aware of some of the things she did for you that perhaps pulled her compass a bit from true.” John stopped moving and looked at Elias with hooded eyes. “Though I’m experiencing a bit of a down turn at this time, I still have contacts in the police and even in the FBI John. I heard about the evidence tampering and about the interrogations and suspects while you were briefly indisposed at Rikers’. Though I can’t prove it I know it was the Detective who cleaned up your mess yet again John. How could she justify to herself the things she did for you? Did she need to justify them John or was she compelled to do them by her love for you?”

Elias seemed to John to be more off guard and relaxed as he offered his thoughts on John and Joss’ relationship. John resumed his pacing.

“Now that I think about it John you two remind me of the classic love story of Psyche and Eros. Detective Carter is of course Psyche - the beautiful, wonderful, wise and soulful woman who unwittingly fell in love with the monster. And Eros the ugly, hateful, murderous monster who fell in love with Detective Carter is you John. How could she love you John? Like Psyche, the Detective must have accepted you for who you are and chose not to hold all of the monstrous things about you and that you have done, against you. She saw the man that was trapped and lost inside of the monster John. And she chose to love the man, she chose to love you. She was such an unusual person John that I can see how… no let me rephrase that. I know what a strong reforming influence she was on people. Sure it sounds trite but spending time with her did sometimes make me want to be a better person. Well perhaps be a better person is a bit too strong a phrase John, for me anyway. But I did restrain myself from carrying out a couple of… actions, because she had asked me not too. I’m a decisive man, a man of honor. You know this John.” With a smile in his voice Elias tells John. “I really don’t remember anyone in a very long time being able to make me change my mind about much of anything. But I did, simply because she asked.”

By the time Elias finished speaking John had moved into position. Their dance has carried John to the patch of concrete he was aiming for. But John sees it has also moved Elias closer to him. In Elias’ efforts to keep John in front of him he had moved closer to John as he tried to avoid large chunks of smashed concrete, abandoned tires and trash scattered around their meeting place. While Elias still felt that he was a safe distance from John, John knew that the extra foot Elias had lost to their dance had truly sealed Elias’ fate. Still doing the slow shuffle pacing, John takes note of Elias’ and Scarface’s positions. He marks the distances. He becomes very still and starts to coil his body for the strike. John was ready and knew that both he and Elias would be dead in three minutes. 

Elias sees John has stopped pacing and has become eerily still. John’s stillness disquiets him and Elias notices at the same time that the distance between them has shrunk. In his effort to keep John at a safe distance he’s been unknowingly drawing closer to him. Elias turns to tell Tony to move back a couple of feet when from the corner of his eye he sees John start towards them. Elias is close enough now to see the look in John’s eyes and as he turns back to look at John directly; Elias realizes death is coming for him- now. 

John brings his left arm up sharply in preparation to charge Elias when he feels someone grab his arm and bring him up short.  


To late Tony understands what is about to happen and raising his weapon starts to move forward to try to protect Elias. Elias stumbles backwards trying to escape what he knows John has in store for him. His back peddling is awkward and off balance. In his haste to move away from John Elias trips over a piece of refuse and heavily stumbles into Tony who reaches out to help steady his boss. But there’s too much garbage at their feet and they go down hard while they hear Tony’s gun hit the ground and skitter off in some unknown direction. As they both scramble to regain their footing they see that John has pulled up short and stopped in his tracks. John tilts his head left as if he’s listening to someone then looks to his left.

Her voice is in John’s ear. Joss tells him in no uncertain terms “No John! You are not doing that.” She has hold of his arm and she’s holding on to him so, so tightly. She is trying to stop him just like that night when he was fleeing to the roof of the DOD building so the bomb vest he was wearing wouldn’t hurt anyone when it detonated. “John. You don’t have to do this.” Joss spoke to him with such urgency and fear in her voice that he had to turn to her to explain why Elias must die, today. He needed her to know that he would be with her soon if she would just let him go. One. Last. Time.

With his eyes full of tears and his voice steeped in anguish John’s strangled plea of “Joss, Please.” leaves his lips as he turns to her to beg her to let him finish, to let him come be with her. He turns and sees Joss’ beautiful brown eyes shining with unshed tears pleading with his now cold, dull blue ones to not throw away his life this way. He could tell by the way her brow was deeply furrowed she was angry with him. He could deal with her anger. What tore his heart to pieces was that he had made her cry – again- over his worthless self. “John don’t do this. They’ll kill you.” Joss whispers to him. Her words sounded familiar but his blood deprived brain can’t understand why. All he knows is she’s here by his side again and right now he needs to touch her. 

Elias and Scarface were scrambling up from the ground and trying to put some distance between them and John. Scarface quickly located his gun and rejoined Elias. They did not know what had stopped John’s advance but he appeared to be in conversation with someone located to his left. Elias gave Tony a questioning look and they both moved further away from John but to his left. There was no one to the left of John but they could see what had prevented him from completing his attack and possibly killing them both. 

John heard Joss’ voice quiver with emotion as she told him, “Anything happens to you I swear, I’ll hate you forever.” John’s voice is raspy as he tries to explain to her why he’s doing this. Lionel isn’t here this time to make her release John and then drag her to safety. John has to make her understand and let him go on her own. “Joss let me go, let me do this. I have to protect Taylor. Don’t hate me.” His voice broke as he pleaded with her. “Please wait for me.” John reaches his hand up to cup Joss’ face and to wipe her tears away as his name from Joss’ lips gently fades away taking with it the image of her. John drew in a shuddering breath. He didn’t know that he had closed his eyes until he opened them and looked down expecting to see Joss still holding his arm. 

She wasn’t there; no one was.

What was there, clinging so desperately to his arm and keeping him from killing Elias, was her scarf. Joss’ white cashmere, jasmine infused scarf that John had forgotten he was even holding, had somehow become tightly wound about his arm and firmly snagged on a piece of errant rebar protruding from a pile of broken rubble slightly behind him on his left side.


	5. Chapter 5

Elias and Scarface had moved far enough away from John to believe that they were safe. Elias was certain that John had intended to kill them both had he reached them. He had forgotten about the scarf John was holding when he first found him. It had somehow gotten entangled around John’s arm and was now caught on some concrete to John’s left. It briefly registered with Elias that the entire time he had been talking with him John had been lovingly holding that scarf. How it became wrapped around John’s arm and hung up on the concrete had entirely escaped his notice. However it had happened, he was glad that something had stopped the juggernaut, John Reese, in his tracks. Elias knew that that confrontation would not have end well for any of them. 

Even though his nerves were still jangling from the adrenaline surge his body was suffused with Tony noted to Elias, “Boss I think he’s talking to his lady.” Elias’ heart and breath were still racing from the almost fatal confrontation just seconds before. Brushing bits of detritus from his clothes Elias looked at John and shook his head sadly in agreement. They had heard John call Joss’ name when he first started speaking. A few months ago he would have given the order and Tony, following his orders as always, would have brought this chapter, John, this sad echo of a man, to an end. That’s what he would have done…a few months ago…before he got to know Joss. 

His debt to her, though technically settled with Simmons’ death, and his honor would not let him put John out of his misery. Elias was a practical man and to be honest he knew it was really because of the respect and admiration he had for Detective Carter that he would do, had done all he could for John. It baffled Elias and amused him even more that though he had cleared his debt with his detective he still wanted to do something for her. This man who meant so much to her that she freely gave up her life to protect didn’t know how much she was in love with him. It made him a little sad to know that they will never be able to walk that road together. For Joss he had wanted to save her monster, her man.

Watching John have a conversation with his dead love made Elias sigh with resignation because he could now see that John’s time was up. They were no longer close enough to clearly hear what he was saying. Snippets of words from John’s one sided conversation reached Elias and Scarface riding on the wind that was starting to pick up. The light snow flurry that had been falling and dusting their shoulders since they first found John had changed to large fat flakes that were now falling at a steady rate. He knew there was no way to convince John to go with them to get him out of the worsening weather. Elias could see that John’s shoulder wound was not good and had started to bleed again. If it kept bleeding like it was and wasn’t attended to soon John would probably bleed out in about three or four hours. Elias was under no illusion that John wanted to or in his current state could do anything to help his self.

Elias turned to Tony to let him know he was done here. “It’s time to go Tony.” If he called Harold to let him know where John was he was positive that John would be gone by the time Harold could come for him. John would run away and hide, collapse in on himself until he quietly faded away and died. John, lost to this world in conversation with Joss, did not hear Elias tell him with sadness and a remorse that surprised even Scarface, “I am honestly going to miss you John.” Elias and Scarface turn to leave and start walking back to their car. 

The wind has collected one last ragged piece of John’s conversation and with a gentle push delivers it to Elias’s ear, “…protect Taylor...”, as well as a hint of something floral that tickled his nose. A frisson ran across his skin as he unconsciously recognized the scent.

Tony has walked a couple of steps when he notices that his boss is not at his side. Turning to look for him he sees Elias has stopped walking and is now looking back at John. Tony walks over to Elias and questions him by simply saying “Boss?” “Perhaps my work here is not yet complete Tony.” Elias says slowly as he turns and starts back towards John. Not forgetting what just almost happened, Elias stops at a safe distance from John. Tony ever by Elias’ side had positioned himself slightly off side and to the front of his boss, his gun at the ready. Elias felt that there was one more chance to reach John and he was going to take it. 

John stumbles back and ends up against the piece of concrete with the scarf caught on it. “I have to finish this, finish this, finish this…” is chasing around in John’s mind as he frantically tries to extricate the scarf from the concrete and rebar it is seemingly embedded in. His right hand is swollen and become numb from the cold making it almost impossible for him to get a purchase on the scarf to unwind it from his arm. At a sound to his left John raises his head and wonders how Elias has gotten so far away from him. Gone is his chance to protect Taylor, he’s failed Joss again. And he’s failed himself. The quick death he had hoped for at Tony’s hands has vanished while he was talking to Joss. But he didn’t deserve a quick death. He deserved what would happen to him now. He knew that he would bleed out in a few hours or die from the freezing temperatures. Either way they were both too easy and painless deaths, much nicer then he was owed. All the fight has left John and he slides to the ground cradling his left arm while caressing the scarf.

Looking at the beaten down defeated man in front of him Elias is amazed that John is still alive when it dawns on him what John was trying to do when he made his last move. He tsk, tsks at John and tells him “John, John. I came to you extending my hand of …assistance and you tried to bite it off. I know what you were trying to do John. You figured that if you could get to me and kill me then Tony would kill you, put you of your misery. Well that’s something I’m not going to give you John. There was a time I would have accommodated you. I would have asked Tony to put a bullet in your head and he would have gladly carried out my order. But I won’t do that now. Do you know why John? Let me enlighten you. Your death at my hands would be a dishonor to Jocelyn’s memory, to my Detective Carter.”

John’s head raised slowly at Elias’ use of Joss’ first name and Elias could see a little of that fire return in his blue eyes. “That scarf wrapped around your arm John, is it her’s?” John reflexively covers as much of the scarf with his battered right hand as he can. “I thought so. That’s all you have left of her isn’t it? I’m pretty sure they won’t put it in your unmarked grave when the find your body in a couple of days. Taylor might miss it though. Perhaps I’ll get him another one John. He won’t even know that it was missing.” Elias could see that talking about Taylor was bringing life to John’s dull eyes. Taylor was the way back for John. A small corner of Elias’ heart remembers how at one time in his life he had wished for a father who wanted to take care of and protect him and who he meant a one hundredth as much to as Taylor did to John. Taylor wasn’t even John’s kid but John would defend him as such because he was Joss’. And if for no other reason than that, John would always love, and protect Taylor. 

“Does Taylor know what his mother meant to you John, how much you loved her? No? How about what a brave woman she was. Hum…. I think I need to have to have a talk with Taylor and let him know what she meant to me.”

Elias sees that John is struggling to regain his feet but not doing so well. The blood loss, grief and exposure had sapped most of strength. He also knows that he needs to push John a little further to make him want to turn around and rejoin the living. Lord knows that John is anything but, so Elias chides him and calls him “Coward.” The look John gives Elias is one of consternation. “You’re taking the easy way, the coward’s way out. You’re such a coward that you won’t even stay alive to honor the gift she bought you with her very life. I don’t think I will ever understand why she loved you. You really are, well were, extraordinary at what you did but she deserved someone so, so much better than you. She deserved a man not a monster like you John.” 

John has struggled to his knees but his waning strength won’t let him rise any farther. “I’m disappointed in you John. You haven’t spoken to Taylor or even seen him since she died? No you haven’t, have you. Why is that John? Is it because you can’t bear to look in his eyes and see the same grief reflected back at you or his disappointment at you because you failed to protect his mother? So you lost your love, your heart, possibly even your soul. Well, Fusco lost a partner, Jocelyn’s mother lost her child, and New York lost a very good cop. But most importantly Taylor lost his mother. You’re not the only one who loved her John – it’s not all about you.” 

“I understand Taylor’s pain John. You know I lost my mother at a young age. He can talk to me about it and I’ll understand. So When I leave here I’m going to look in on him.”

Listening to Elias tell him his plans for Taylor has a rage stoked by fear growing inside John. He struggles to his feet fighting the scarf all the while the blood loss has black spots swimming before his eyes. The weather and his injuries are making it harder for him to breathe each minute and it feels like a million pins are stabbing his lungs with every breath. But John grinds out, “Stay away from Taylor or I’ll….”

Elias gives a hearty laugh at John’s words. “Or you’ll what huum? What will you do John? “Elias responds with contempt. “Since you’ve decided to die I don’t think you’ll be able to do much of anything John. Just like the much of nothing you’ve been doing all this time since her death. You’ve even abandoned her child. It’s very hard on you when you lose your mother at a young age John. I remember looking for support and help from anyone when my mother was murdered because I certainly wasn’t going to get any from my father. It’s a lonely time John when you lose your mother. Support from anyone who knew her, who can tell you things about your mother would be welcomed…from anyone…even someone like me.” A whimsical smile plays about Elias’s mouth as he says,” My, what stories I could tell Taylor about his mother.

“Promise me you’ll look in on him!” Joss’ voice implores John to watch over Taylor. Mockingly her words from long ago echo in his mind. “Glad to see you keep your promises.” But he hadn’t promised, he couldn’t promise then because if he had it would have meant she wasn’t going to make it. Yet when he finally crawled to her side, held her in his arms and saw the wound in her chest, he knew she wasn’t going to make it. “John, don’t let this, don’t let this...” her last words to him. John agonized over those words a million times. John’s thoughts have become frantic. “Don’t let this, her death –what, Joss? Don’t let this bring the monster back? Don’t let this rip your heart out? Don’t let this destroy your world? Don’t let this kill you? ‘This’ had done all of that and more. “I tried Joss but I couldn’t stop it.” As he speaks his last words aloud his legs fail him and he sinks to his knees facing Elias.

As Elias and Tony watch John fall they hear the anguish in his voice and catch his last words,”stop It.” Elias, thinking John is speaking to him sees his opening and takes it. He answers John. “Stop it? Who’s asking John, the monster or the man?” Elias studies John’s face for a moment. With a dispirited expression in his eyes Elias says “I see it is the man.” With a sigh he continues. “I can’t stop it John. Only you can. If you don’t want me in Taylor’s life in such an intimate way, then you need to be. And you can’t do that if you’re dead John. You want me to stop it, then I have a proposition for you. I will stay out of Taylor’s life if you stay in it - something which you’ll have to stay alive to do John. I will not approach, watch or otherwise insert myself or intervene in Taylors life as long as you are here protecting him and helping him. So John, what’s it going to be? If you agree to this I’ll be out of his life for good. I’ll contact Harold and have him come help you. All you have to do John is agree and promise to wait for Harold.

Jasmine, jasmine, her scent is so strong it seems to enfold John. The scarf has been dislodged from the concrete and has mostly untangled from John’s arm. Once again he holds the scarf close to his face and is breathing Joss in.

“Promise me you’ll tell him.” Gently, loving Joss asks for one last promise from him. 

She did trust him, Joss did love him. She had trusted him with the most precious gift in her life – her child. She was counting on him to keep Taylor safe and make sure he was able to move on after her death. She was counting on him to deliver her last message to her son. He couldn’t do that if he was dead. How could he have been so selfish! She never asked anything of him yet gave and gave so much to everyone. She had given the ultimate for him so how could he not give the rest of his life fulfilling this one promise. Finally with clarity of mind that John had been lacking since Joss’ death he makes the promise he denied them both the night their life ended on a dark street corner. With tears in his eyes John looks at Joss’ beautiful face, nods his head and gives her his answer, “I promise.”

“Good, good John. So we have a deal.” Elias is almost beaming because with John’s words he believes he has finally gotten through that thick head of John’s and helped him see what is really best for Taylor. “I’m contacting Harold now John, however the hour is getting late and I do have other pressing business to attend to. Since I know you keep your promises I have no worries that you will still be here when Harold comes to collect you. Take care John. Taylor really does need you in his life, now more than ever.”

The wind has picked up even more and tosses the trash at their feet in the air as Elias and Tony return to their car. The temperature has continued to plummet. The snow is falling very heavily and has deposited an inch or two on the ground and their surroundings. Elias might have been concerned with leaving John in the elements but he knew that before he had even ended his call to Harold he was on the way here with whatever John needed to survive. Elias was done, his debt paid. He had kept John, for now, in the land of the living. He knew John would make it, as would Taylor.

The chilling wind chases Elias and Tony into their car and Tony hurriedly starts the engine and turns the heat on high. Elias looks at John and sees he is now slumped against the concrete remnant behind him. He started thinking about John and Joss’ relationship and how tragic it sincerely was. Eros and Psyche. On second thought they were really more like Beauty and the Beast. Not that Disney drivel but the classic original French story of course. The love of Joss, a good, wonderful, kind and beautiful woman had turned John from the beastly monster back to a man. Elias was sure however that John knew he and Joss could never have had a happily ever after.

Jasmine! That’s what he had smelled when he was talking with John. Elias smiled remembering that it was Joss’ scent he detected then and faintly now as if she had stood at the open car door and the wind had trailed it in from her. As Tony drives off Elias takes one last look at John through the back window. From his position it looks as if John has slid to the side but he is still on his knees and his head is hanging down in front of him. Elias thinks John may be unconscious and silently bids Harold to hurry. Once again John has a death grip on that scarf which to Elias seems to have remained oddly unsullied during this whole tour de force. He watches as the wind forcefully grabs the long end of the scarf and pulls it up and out from John’s body. Elias is sure the wind will rip it out of John’s battered and bruised hand and carry it away from him-lost forever. 

Instead the wind gently lays the scarf over John enveloping his shoulders and face. It wraps around him like a lovers arms embracing her beloved, keeping him safe and warm.

Finis~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and reviews. They are encouraged and greatly appreciated! :-)

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments and reviews. They are encouraged and greatly appreciated! :-)


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